I’m writing a novel about a vegan vampire, it will be deficient in irony.

Take flight

I was dating an Ornithologist.

We only communicated by Twitter.


It is unfortunate that “Chicken Soup for the Vegan Soul” sold so few copies

Cruelty to Animals

I was dating a vegan.

She got pissed when I called her “honey”.

Good God!

Why do satanists enjoy heavy metal music so much?

Because they have no soul!


My Golden Retriever had to get a prescription for Xanax.

He has a nervous tick.

Lobster Claw

I was dating a woman who worked at Red Lobster

Things didn’t work out.

I could not get past the fact that she had clammy hands.

Lower forms of life

I was dating an Invertebrate Zoologist.

She said that I was spineless.

Lobster Roll

Q: Why did the lobster get a prescription for Prozac?

A: He was feeling crabby.

Light bulbs and such

Q: How many minimalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One